TBT: I Got Your Polar Vortex Right Here

I Got Your Polar Vortex Right Here

This is the polar vortex. Is it just me, or does it seem to be giving us a saucy gesture? Maybe it's just me.

Is it just me, or does it look like Mr. Polar Vortex is giving us a saucy gesture? Maybe it’s just me.

It’s 6 pm. I am trying to make dinner, keep the cat out of my laundry (laundry is his enemy, and he must vanquish it), and head up the Toddler Peace Summit Summer 2014.  I quit the Summit after 5 minutes.  I’m not smart enough.  I started pretending that I was from Chechnya and needed a translator and nobody could find one.  That was kinda fun.

Hubs will be coming home from work soon.  He will be thrilled to be home, let me tell you.  It’s because it’s so peaceful here.  So… calm.  I’ll be greeting him with a big red-lipsticked smoocharooni, a martini, and a lovely pot roast.

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Hi dear. Make one wrong comment about the empty saucepan and I will strangle you with my apron. And this wallpaper is driving me crazy.

 

 

 

Well.  Nix the martini.  Sometimes I hand him a glass of water.  It even has ice in it.

And really, not so peaceful here.  Wanna know why? Because Toddler Peace Summit 2014 has taken to the streets.  There’s loud protesting and currently the toddlers have taken the cat hostage and they are all working on their Manifesto.

 

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All of this makes Momsie rather… tense.  The toddlers, being toddlers, have absolutely no clue what “tense” is.  That’s their job.  In fact, I think it’s part of their Cluelessness Manifesto.  Momsie is tense = WE MUST AMP UP THE TODDLERNESS!!!!

And because of this ampage, a terrible, terrible thing happened.  I burnt my biscuits.  My precious, my preshus lovely fluffy little biscuits.  So ready to be smooshed with butter and honey, now huddled on the baking pan like sad hockey pucks.

And I. Had. HAD ENOUGH.

It is precisely at this time that the husband comes sauntering in.  You guessed it.  He is toast. Just like the biscuits.

Transcript of Following Conversation:

Me: ANGER AND RESENTMENT-LADEN SILENCE

Hubs:  Hi!  How are you?

Me: ANGER AND RESENTMENT-LADEN SILENCE.

Hubs: Hey boys! (Boys start freaking out because evidently Daddy walking in the house is like Moses just dropped by to say “Heeeey.”)

Me:   I’m fine.  (Holy cow.  Cue scary music here.)

Hubs: Wow.  Ok.  Really?  Your face is all twitchy. Why are you sitting on the floor turning that light on and off?  Wait, isn’t this a scene from Fatal Attraction?  Can I eat my dinner first?

Me: I burnt the biscuits.

Hubs:  Ohhhhh?  (He then tilts his head to the side just like a Labrador Retriever.)

Me:  I burnt. Them.

Hubs:  Why?

 

Let’s take a bit of a break here.

Really, he is in engineer, so asking “Why?” is not his fault.  It’s not.  That’s part of his job.  Or so he tells me.  I kind of think he must just trot around at work yapping, “Why, WHY?” at everyone within reach.  I wish he would just get it out of his system at work so he would NOT utter it at home. Really, he should know better by now.  When one has dealt with the toddler mosh pit of my day, when one burns the absolute best part of dinner (the rest of dinner was beige and warm, that’s it),

YOU DON’T EVER, EVER ASK, “WHY?”

Here’s what you say instead:

Hubs:  Oh my dear.  Clearly you need a break.  Here’s five thousand dollars.

So it just kept going, this conversation.  If the hubs knew what was best, he woulda hightailed it upstairs to free the cat and find some chocolate. But no.

Hubs:  Are you mad at me?  You’re mad, aren’t you.  Why are you mad at me?

Me:  No.  I’m not mad.  I’m just tired.  (‘Tired” is code for = so mad.  So, so mad.)

Hubs:  Because really, this is a teachable moment!

Me: Ok. Now I’m actually mad at you.

 

I think it’s best to stop here, to remind all you newly married folks,  that conversations like this really do happen when you’ve been married for a while.  For reals.  I do remember once at our premarital counseling (where hubs and the pastor talked BASEBALL for the majority of the time) that we did all come up with at least one tenet about How to Stay Married for a Really Long Time:

We should communicate a lot.

I KNOW, right?  Pretty brilliant.  I am pretty sure no one ever thought of this idea about marriage before.  I should write a book.

At any rate, the rest of the evening was a bit chilly, but by tooth brushing time I had stopped quoting lines from Fatal Attraction.  After all, when you’re married to an engineer, it is likely your darling husband takes literally everything, um, literally.  Thus, “I’m not going to be IGNORED, Dan!” carries little weight when your hubs’ name isn’t actually Dan.

 

 

 

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*Throw Back Thursday: This is code for “I don’t have brainage for new material today. Recycling is good!”

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Tuesday Takeout And Toddlers Who Drive Momsie to Drink. SELTZER.

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My life has been a series of ups and downs (I am pretty sure all of us can relate to this, because, really, if life didn’t have peaks and valleys what WOULD we be?  Petri dish material?).  I embrace most of them.  I really do.  The hard stuff and the good – it’s how we grow and how we grow up.

But, there is one valley experience that keeps surfacing (I know, not possible for a valley to surface, but stay with me) in this crazy life of mine, and I am ready to tell this valley to take a hike someplace scenic, but FAR AWAY.

Whoever said “What doesn’t kill you will make you stronger” probably was talking about all those “honorable” killer things:  like a marathon, or childbirth, or teaching 7th grade Sunday School.  Something that refines you through the pain,  like trying to find pants at Kohl’s that don’t advertise your underwear color and brand.

In my case?  It’s not an honorable valley.  It’s what I like to call The Big Valley of Suck-itude.

It is just awful and I need help.

What, you ask, could be this ghastly?

The Valley of When I Start Dinner.

Let me illustrate:

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CC courtesy of Aris Gionis @Flickr

Simply, there is nothing good that can come from this daily battle, unless you count the actual dinner part, and even that is a crap-shoot.  Some nights dinner is a hit, others nights… our meal comes with its own verbal disclaimer and a waiver to sign.

Case in point:  (Ok, when anyone says “Case in point” always add the Law and OrderDoink-doink.”  It makes the writing better). Tonight’s meal was chicken, mushroom, and spinach pasta stuff, and it was very good.  But, I paired it with garlic bread that was toasted to the point of charbroil – when I put them in the serving dish they “clinked” with such authority that Red and Blonde thought I was putting away Legos.

I will give myself a dinner gratuity,  because when I thwacked down the bread Legos on the table, I said: “These here? These are garlic bread sticks, ” and then made the “These are not the droids you’re looking for” Star Wars gesture.  Any time I can muster up a bit of Obi One, it’s a bonus.

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So.  How do I survive this ruthless and endless onslaught of 5 pm’s that just keep coming at me with no warning (except for the fact that 5 pm does happen, uh every 24 hours.  Kinda like every day.  But still.  SHOCKING.)

I drink.

(Doink-doink!!)

HOWEVER.  At this point in my life, (the same one with all the peaks and valleys that I was referring to earlier) I have decided that I drink seltzer.  Or club soda.  Or the occasional REAL Coke with lime.  Or tea, with which I kinda have a love/hate relationship due to the fact that I wasn’t paying attention once and brewed Smooth Move once instead of my Bigelow Mint Chamomile with SHOCKING results.  SHOCKING.

I would like to share with you two of my favorite 5 pm cocktails (I know, most people call ’em “Mocktails” but that sounds so snarky, and I am NOT snarky.  Or at least not when it comes to beverages that save my 5 pm.)

 

Cocktail #1 to help a tired Momsie who has to answer this question while making dinner:

“Mommah?  If I burp, but it’s out of my bum, why?”

1.  Brew some mint tea of some type (I use green tea w/ mint)

2.   Add a bit of honey to the tea and let steep 10 minutes or so.

3.  Put a LOT of ice in a glass.  Use a Mason Jar – it’ll make it taste better, I promise.  It’ll be a hipster drink now.

4.  Add herbs – I have used rosemary, lavender, even basil and, of course, mint.  I do not recommend chives.  Unless you really need the toddlers (and also the hubs) to just leave you the heck alone for a while, then go for it.

 

Why yes, I do have herbs just hanging out in my house, all Martha Stewart-like.  This is rosemary.  (it's actually the only one left that didn't die.)

Why yes, I DO have herbs just hanging out in my house, all Martha Stewart-like. Say hello to Rosemary. (It’s actually the only one left that didn’t die.)

4.  Muddle the herbs up a bit in the glass.  “Muddling” is cocktail talk for:  use a spoon and whack/stir/beat the herbs to allow their oils to be released, rather violently, into the drink.

5.   Add about half seltzer and half tea and stir with your cute pink straw.

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Extreme close up of yummy drink!

 

Take a sip and savor.  This cocktail, much like me, is not overly sweet.  It’s just better that way.

 

Cocktail #2 that aids digestion, balances your hormones, gives you energy, AND helps you deal with this:

“Mommah, da kitten has some poop on it.  In its fur a wittel? I brought it to you.”  You then discover that the use of the word “it” is very important here, and that you should have been paying attention.  “It” had two options:

Option A: Kitten with personal hygiene issues or

Option B:  Something even grosser.  Toddler went for option B. Of course he did.

 

1.  Wash and bleach toddler, and you.  Consider bleaching the cat but figure, another day.

2.   Sigh heavily, then fill a glass full of ice.  Lots of ice.  Stand with head in freezer for a little bit longer than is comfortable.

3.  Add seltzer and lime.  If feeling adventurous, also add some Tazo Passion tea because you are an ANIMAL that way.

4.  Add a glug or two of this magic stuff:

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Pickett’s #1 “Medium Spicy” Ginger Beer syrup. It’ll put hair on your chest. But in a good way!

 

Stir and sip.  JUST SIP.  This stuff’ll seriously make you do the sip/cough if you’re not careful.  It’s got MOXIE.  Sip and savor because, like Momsie, this drink will make you wonder, on the pain threshold,  just how much of it you can stand.   It’s a good burn, I tell you.  The kind of “won’t kill you but will make you stronger” variety.

Enjoy!

 

And, I leave you with this:  Kitties dancing to Law and Order.  Oh  Mr. Youtube, you complete me!!