Did I ever mention to you that I have two kids?
Yep. I do.
I give you, Exhibit A:
Short, blonde, rather squinty eyed. Tends to walk like Mick Jagger. Gets annoyed when told that.
Hobbies: long discussions about what is fair or not fair.
And exhibit B:
Red: AKA the 4 year old.
Also known as: sidekick, “he did it,” accomplice, evil brother, nemesis, and Sparky.
Short, red headed, with angelic innocent expression and freckles. Has a future in the dramatic arts.
Hobbies: cat wrangling, eating, singing the same song over and over and over and over and over and over and over.
AKA: the cat. Or Spicoli. Or, The Dude.
White, furry, extremely mellow.
Hobbies: sleeping and being drug around a lot. Occasionally at the same time.
I show you these adorable pictures to tell you this:
They look all cute and stuff, right? Painting away at at their crafty little pumpkins, sweet toddler brows all furrowed with gnat-sized concentration. So preshus.
WELL, IT’S ALL AN ILLUSION, PEOPLE.
Lately my children have been playing a fun game called:
I AM YOUR BROTHER. THEREFORE, I WAS PUT HERE TO MAKE YOUR EXISTENCE MUCH HARDER THAN YOUR MOTHER EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE OR NECESSARY.
They fight. They bicker about who has more juice, toothpaste, cookie apportionment, blankets, stuffed animals, brain cells, mothers who are not yelling. Etcetera.
And by etcetera I also mean: They fight over who is breathing the loudest in the car on the way home from Sam’s CLUB and stoppit just stoppit it’s too louuuuud I canna look out da window while you are doing all dat BREATHING over der.
They bicker about paper towels, flies, fly balls, purple spoons, immigration law, and who’s on first.
Yesterday, we called a meeting. It was either that or I was going to pack my things and head to Vegas. There’s no arguing there, I hear. Surely not. A lot of booze and gambling, but surely NO arguing. Right?
I set them both down at our “family meeting” place on the stairwell. I was on the offensive, and it was imperative go for the jugular from the start:
Momsie: “Boys, hold hands.”
Red and Blonde: “WAT?”
Momsie: “You heard me. Hold HANDS. NOW.”
Red: Starts emitting nervous, high pitched giggles as if he’s a squeaky toy and someone sat on him.
Blonde: Sits in stunned silence. This is very rare. We all relished it for a minute.
MOMSIE: ” I AM NOW SPEAKING IN ALL CAPS BETTER DO IT.”
Red and Blonde then limply hold hands as if their fingers were frosted with Ebola. Blonde made a few retching noises. It was all for show. I think.
I take a deep breath, and start in on Lecture #34556 entitled:
We Will All Love Each Other Because We’re Family So We Have To
Subtitle: I Will Make You Rue the Day. If You Don’t Get Along, You Will Rue It. RUE it.
Sub -Subtitle: Look it up, minion. R. U. E.
Ten minutes in, both boys are scooching around on the stairs in an interpretive dance known as I will get as far away from you as possible, while still holding hands. Red is still giggling like a nervous woodpecker.
And I draw the lecture in for my grand finale:
Momsie: “And so that’s why we don’t fight. Because, after all, WHAT WOULD JESUS DO? Hmmmmm?”
Blonde: yanks up Red’s offending hand – “I’ma pretty sure Jesus would NOT hold hands!”
Momsie: “Uh, Ok. Why not?”
Red: giggling so hard he puts his head between his knees for breath
Blonde “ACAUSE THERE IS NO WAY JESUS WOULD MAKE DEM ALL HOLD HANDS. IT’S SILLY. DIS IS JUST SILLY.
AND JESUS. IS. NOT. SILLY!”
He had a point. Not once does it mention “and lo, Jesus was silly” in the bible.
And in all my Mom wisdom, I sputtered: “Well, Jesus DOES baptize people! THAT’s in the bible! Would you prefer I just douse you in holy water each time you start to fuss at each other?”
Red starts to levitate off the stair he is giggling so hard.
I know. It’s times like these that parenting becomes so utterly frustrating that my ability to reason clearly and in a non-sacrilegious way becomes impossible. So, if you’re visiting one day and my boys start to argue? Don’t freak out if I squirt water on ‘em both, and thunder, “Be baptized with LOVE, both of you! Holy Spirit says CUT IT OUT!”
As for the cat? I haven’t seen him in a while. I wonder why?