So, I called a business meeting the other day, just me, the wee Blonde and Red. We convened in the conference room after I scraped its floor and made sure the Cheerios from earlier were not within throwing distance. I passed out sippy cups and a few Goldfish crackers.
“Okkaaaaaay. I called you both in here today to just briefly touch BASE and make sure we were all on the same PAGE, so to speak, mmmm kay? And when it comes to our annual BUDGETING for the year… It seems we might be running a bit over our prediction scenarios, and so…”**
“He has more Goldfish than me. I wanna more Goldfish!”
“Sure, just a minute, let me just get my flipchart here loaded up. My powerpoint seems to be running a little bit slow…”
“Coputer? Can we playa game? I WANNA DA PIGGY GAME! ”
“YEAAAA! DA PIGGIES! DA PIGGIES!”
“NO. We arent’ playing da, ahem, the piggy game. This is important. Swine have no part in this. I don’t think. So, ahem! It has come to my attention that our monthly revenue does not in any way coincide with our losses and – ”
“Piggy game has music in it. And CROCADIWILS.”
“OUR LOSSES. It is imperative that we press on towards our goal of saving about (shuffling of papers) about…. oh here it is , wow. We are on target to try and save about 2 dollars and 47 cents a month. Good gracious. That’s just awful. Wow.”
“But HEY! Here’s the Powerpoint!! Let’s press forward! And it’s got MUSIC! Look! Look here! Music? Today’s presentation is entitled: SAVING YOUR DOLLARS ONE TODDLER AT A TIME! or:
Capitalism is afoot in DA HOUWWWWWSSS!” (Note the eye catching display of color.)
Eye rolls. From toddlers. Deadly.
Blonde pipes up: “Ima gonna get money.”
“OH! Good! Are you going to help save us? I mean, us save? Money? Please? ‘Cause the threat of college is looming ya’ll. We need to get On Board and Start Being Responsible. Starting, like, now.”
<crickets chirping> Deafening silence.
“I, yes, mommah, I think I need some money.”
“Yessir! Shall we set up a fiscal plan for each of you and get a spreadsheet going? ‘Cause I just figured out how to use this really cute little program that makes some awesome printables about savings. See! Cute clip art with a piggy bank! I found it on Pinterest!”
“Banks – to SAVE…”
“I NEEDA MORE MONEY MOMMAH TO BUY DA COMPUTER GAMES? I DON’T HAVE ANY AND I NEED THEM.”
“Ah hah! Learning moment! NEEDING and WANTING are two different things, sir. We’ve discussed this in previous meetings…”
“No. I NEED computer games. I WANT to play them. Der.”
“Ok, I can see we are getting a bit off track here. Let’s just go to slide five on this powerpoint – ”
“Der are no piggies der. Can I have some grapes?”
“No. This meeting is not catered. Stick with your water and crackers. Have you been to a store lately? WE CAN’T AFFORD FRUIT ANYMORE. Here. Here’s some paper. Draw pictures of fruit. ”
“It’s called delayed gratification, kid. Embrace it.”
“A store! Where da donuts are? The donut store? WE’RE GONNA GET DONUTS!! WHOO HOOOO!!!!”
The CEO is glaring: “- Er, our bills are mainly piling up because of inflation and, well, milk alone is like a crackamillion dollars a gallon now, and don’t even get me started on trying to keep ya’ll in Pull-ups at night. In fact, NO MORE Pull ups, gentlemen. It’s time to bite the bullet and pee for free in the toilet like everyone else.”
Blonde one starts braying, which startles the CEO a bit. “She said ‘pee!'” and then he dissolves into more donkey-like laughter.
Red: “Whadda we gonna bite? NO BITE!”
“FOCUS, gentlemen. The bills, outlined for you on slides four and five are here. And Here. And HERE. As you can see, our spending these past few months has been EGREGIOUS and – ”
“Jesus? He spenda the money?”
“No, I -”
“But, Jesus SAVES!”
“Well, yes, but – ”
“We just need to ask Jesus to save da bills! He will do it. He loves us!”
“I do agree He loves us, but the bills – ”
“What is bills, mommah?”
“Bills are small pieces of paper that Momsie sends back to companies with our life’s blood and savings written on them. And everytime I put them in the mailbox to be sent away a little piece inside of me shrivels up and wants to cry.”
“Can I have some grapes now, pleeeese?”
“PWEEEEEZ?? Da organwic ones dat cost, like a crackajack dollars? Der in da fridge. Top shelp.”
Sigh. “Sure…Meeting adjourned.”
* By the way, explosive diarrhea is not an urban legend. It exists. And it makes house calls.
** I have no freaking clue what I’m talking about here.