My Husband, Without His Knowledge or Permission, Is a Hipster




This is how this all went down:

I am clearing out the husband’s closet.  I am not especially sure why I am doing this task, except that cleaning the cat box was also on my to-do list, and I decided to postpone it for the pleasure of purging some pleated Dockers. (Say that fast twice.)

And then, I spied them.


Maroon, with a big yellow stripe, circa 1988, suspenders you wore to your formal with your semi-mullet and I bet a thorough dousing of Polo cologne.  You had attempted to wear them again, just after we had first met, to a friend’s wedding.  I remember the conversation very well:

Me: So, what are you going to wear tonight?

Future husband who has no idea he has been targeted as future husband:  Um.  (Looks down at his jeans and Hawaiian short combo.) Tonight?

Me: Yes, to the wedding, remember?

Future husband who still has no idea he is future husband and that this is our first official date amidst other friends.  Plus, it’s a WEDDING. Cue the marital foreshadowing!!!!!: Um…  a shirt? and a tie?

Me:  Ok.  Well, I’m wearing my Anne Taylor mint green dress, the one with the sea-foam crinoline and the pink embroidery?

Future husband who is stumped by the use of the word “crinoline“: Ok.  That sounds nice.  Um, OH! I know! I’ll wear my suspenders!

Me:  WAT.

Future husband who has NO idea what he is saying; suspenders? REALLY?:  Yep!

Me:  Ok.  Well.  All right then, we can talk about this later.  (Fyi:  “We can talk about this later” is Jedi Mind Trick for “You will not wear suspenders to this wedding.”  It worked.)


Now, nearly nine years later, thing have changed.  The suspenders?  THEY ARE COOL.

And then I realized:  My dear husband has been slyly giving me hipster shade all these years.  That time you complained about your tall black socks slumping, and I sarcastically mentioned you get these things?

Screenshot 2014-05-08 11.03.19
Note, this leg model is married. And he’s wearing these things at the same time. How can it be?

You actually paused for a moment, and I realized you were considering them.  Sly sock hipster.

There were other red flags:  Our first real married argument was over the fact that I did not pack a shoe horn for you on our honeymoon.  (Yes, I know, I was the packer. Mainly this was because all your clothes were already at our little house and you were living out of a duffel bag back at your bachelor pad.  Plus, suspenders.  I had learned my lesson.)

I think the conversation went like this:

Husband who is now stuck with me forever:  Where is my shoehorn?

Me: What’s a shoehorn?

Husband who is now making a grave mistake by continuing on this line of questioning: You know (gesturing a bit) my shoe thing?

Me:  We’re going to hoe something?

Husband:  (big, fat, married silence)

Me: Darling, we’re on vacation. Do flip-flops need shoehorning?  I have never said “shoe horn” this much in one conversation.  Is this code for something romantic?

Sly honeymoon hipster.


And, finally, I give you THIS:


No, NOT the kid. The HAT.  I do realize on the kid this hat that you wear nearly every day is cute.  Cute on a four year old, yes. On you, it kinda conjures up this:




But then, I realized the awful irony (which is doubly troubling because hipsters try so darn hard to NOT try hard and NOT, under any circumstances, actually be ironic. And I know, that sentence is very difficult to understand, but hipsters get it.  And, in excluding your understanding that further hipsterizes the hipster. It’s a tricky web, this hipster thing!):



Oh, the hipster humanity.


Hipsters in training.



I am now off to Dollar General to buy some large, ugly, plastic glasses with black frames.  Every time a person buys a pair, a hipster gets his wings.






  1. First, those boys are adorable.
    Second, my husband has shoehorns. Plural. He taught my kids to use them, and the other day one of them actually asked where the shoehorn was . . . apples falling from trees, and all that.
    Loved your post, as usual. 🙂

  2. I’m impressed, I must say. Rarely do I come across a blog
    that’s both educative and engaging, and let
    me tell you, you have hit the nail on the head.
    The issue is something that not enough men and women are speaking intelligently about.
    Now i’m very happy I stumbled across this in my hunt for something concerning this.

  3. The water resistance would range from a low of 50 meters
    below sea level down to 11,000 meters. These watches can withstand a lot and
    will continue to run effectively as long a quality battery is utilized.
    Their line runs from watches and bracelets, to necklaces, rings, and earrings.

  4. When ѕomeone writeѕ an article he/shе retains the idea of a
    user in his/ɦer mind that how a user can understand it.
    Therefore that’s why this piece of writing is great.


  5. Estoy seguro que este artículo ha tocado todos los internautas Visitas, es realmente muy bonito fastidioso pieza de la escritura en la construcción de nuevo sitio web.

  6. Nha Trang is famously known as the Vietnam’s Mediterranean Coast.

    There is also the War Remnants Museum as well as the Museum of Vietnamese History if you want to know more about
    the history and culture of Vietnam. Architecture- In Vietnam
    there are majestic ruins, modern skyscrapers and exceptional structures.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s