I am not gonna lie.
I am terribly judgmental. I am completely up in arms about how some moms could do it better. Do it nicer. Neater.
And by “some moms” I mean, uh, me.
I cannot even hear the noise of what other moms are saying out there over the bellow emanating from MY inner umpire.
Let me introduce you to what I stared down in the mirror this morning:
I was gonna try to add some cute graphics to this pic but holy hand gestures, I am not risking ticking this guy off. He seems upset.
Anyhow. My situation in the morning is this:
I stumble down the hall and end up brushing my teeth to this guy. It’s not a good way to start the day.
Me: Oh hi. You again. So, how’s things?
Disgruntled Judgy Umpire Guy: You suck.
Me: Wow. You’re just gonna jump right in there. Huh. Dude. Let me get some Crest on my toothbrush first at least.
The yelling continues… The bags under my eyes could be checked by United Airlines. My breakfast for the boys was festooned with too much syrup and no wheat germ. The morning did not involve yoga.
And on and on…
Here’s the thing. When we judge ourselves this mercilessly, the next step is to find some other mom out there who doesn’t seem to be doing it any better than us.
It’s the classic bully thing – we find the mom on the playground who struggles, and we think, “I am better than THAT.”
So, my angry umpire dude is basically an agent, searching out some hapless rookie to join my team.
Team Loser Mom. I am the captain, the mascot, the owner and also, the umpire.
I know, this is getting weird, but I know you get what I mean.
So, this morning, as I am walking in to school with my boys, I see this other mom, in her faded Sponge Bob jammie bottoms and hoodie, unpacking kids from a mini van. And Umpire Guy thunders: “You didn’t wear pajamas to school! You actually have on real clothes that have buttons! You win. SAFE!”
And just like that, I have become the Loserest of them all. I just won the World Series of Loser.
So, spray some champagne on me and call me done. Or, well, maybe not. The champagne thing. I have an allergy. Not a good idea. But that’s a blog for another day.
Ok, listen up. I got a bit of wisdom for you:
Judging begats judging, y’all. I think that’s in the bible.
It is USELESS to start the day with all these arguments! Nobody should be yelling at anything at 6 am. In fact, I would venture to say, my umpire should just take a flying leap off a short home plate and shut up forever.
So, Vito says, “You are ugly. You need to lose like forty pounds. Today.”
You say: “Uh, dude? Your voice is uglier. God made me. And what He tells me is that I am beautiful.”
Vito: “Yea, but-”
Me: “My God is bigger than you. He trumps you. He trumps your ump. YOU’RE FIRED.”
“But here. Let me hug you first.”
I am making a commitment, a #mommitment, to take part in this very important Kindness Campaign. Want to join me and #EndMommyWars. Most importantly, end the ones on ourselves, because:
Judge yourself and you will eventually cave and judge elsewhere, to take the pressure off. It’s Vito’s favorite little spin cycle called:
Let’s join a new team. Besides, the Nutball uniforms make me itchy.
Want to know more? Click here to sign the petition and learn about The Mom Movement!