Got an email today.
Subject: CAN I TRUST YOU
I dunno. I’m not feeling very trustworthy today. I forgot, for the millionth time, to pay my kids’ milk and juice break money, so my poor babies are starving. Between snack, and lunch, and afternoon tea, they’re withering away to just nobby bits of pathetic. My wee babes are without juice for three whole days, malnourishment has set in, so yes, I AM SO NOT TO BE TRUSTED.
But I digress.
Mr. Email Guy, I have just a few issues with you:
- If you ask a question, you should, you know, use a ? This is sort of a basic requisite for humanity. Otherwise, you tend to come off as sort of one-note and even Siri has more emotional depth. I thought we were closer than that, because obviously I have done something to offend you, meaning relationship. Relationship means emotional bond. And lots of questions. Lots and lots of questions.
- Also, caps. If you are that upset about something, at least use a question mark AFTER the caps. I mean, it’s obviously really IMPORTANT what we’re going to be discussing, right? RIGHT?
- Your name is John Jason. I mean,how did your parents, when they got really mad, yell at you: “JOHN JASON” without adding “‘DINKLEMEYER SMITH. HIS NAME IS MY NAME TOO!’ COME HERE NOW!” It’s just confusing. Even with caps.
John Jason really needs to talk to me. It kind of sounds like something one of my old boyfriends (circa high school) would write on one of those numerous pages of notebook paper (spiral edges carefully removed and paper folded repeatedly) kind of notes passed to me in between algebra and biology class. ‘CAN I TRUST YOU,’ all scrawled in pencil, with maybe some smudgey underlining, and also a sketch of a Van Halen insignia.
So, John, (I can call you John, right? We are on all caps, emotional subtext kind of subject headings level of relating, so it seems only right),
I dunno. CAN you?
If I were John, I would back away slowly and take my all caps fervor somewhere else.
This post was sponsored by: Benadryl. Lots and lots of Benadryl.
Dana Bowman 