So, I have decided to take my show on the road.
Yep, me and my entourage will be heading out to speak at a conference on Wednesday – and I am sooooo excited! Here’s why:
- I got to say “Me and my entourage.” This actually means that I will be leaving alone. I have no entourage. It just sounds cool. Also, this means I WILL BE LEAVING ALONE. For those of you who really know me, you know how much I love to get away (high tail it out of Dodge) for a brief respite from my babies. I say this realizing how cold hearted I sound, but let’s face it folks. I waxed poetic about my hotel room for an entire blog post when I went to San Francisco for the book signing. I was not above admitting that just sleeping completely and totally alone is the wind beneath my wings, every once in a while. No snoring. No dog. No small mouth breather who comes into the room at three am and announces, “Mom? MOM? Are you awake??”
- Look kid. I am NEVER awake at three am. We have covered this territory. Just get it in your wee head that your mother is sleeping and having a conversation with me at the hour of the dead is NEVER good for our relationship.
- Wow. I kind of went off on a tangent there. I’m a bit tired.
- The conference! Yes! It’s the ACT Speak Hard conference for teens. So, I will be speaking to an audience that I am super comfortable with – teenagers. Clearly their maturity level and level of nutball pretty much tells you: These are my people.
Anyhow, I leave today to travel to the capital of Missouri – we will be speaking and meeting with legislators, talking and brainstorming and working together on a subject dear to my heart: trouncing substance abuse amongst young folk. I have my presentation all worked up, and last night had the brilliant idea about how to incorporate some sock puppets into my final ten minutes (It’s a jazzy little song and dance number. The kids will LOVE it).
Ok, but what I would REALLY like to talk about today is this:
Sweet end of days I am leaving my children they will not survive without me.
I have been making meals and freezing them as if I am leaving for walkabout and my children have an deep need for fifty casseroles while I am gone. I did extra laundry. Because surely the husband will have gastrointestinal distress while I am gone and he needs about thirty extra pair of undies. It will happen. Also, he won’t remember how to work the washing machine because simply keeping mah sweet preshus babies breathing will be his one focus.
Last night, I sat the hubs down and we talked about lunch boxes. I had whipped up a simple powerpoint presentation to help explain how only one type of tupperware fits in Blonde’s Spiderman lunch box, BUT Red’s Lego lunchbox can only fit an entirely different set. His eyes glazed over at slide ten, and I imagined that both children would go to school with some gummy vitamins and bottled water.
This morning I walked around the house sticking post its to everything.
For example: these are instructions about the lunches again. They will help the husband find things in the refrigerator. I am sure he would never have considered opening the fridge as part of the lunch thing, but I am here! I have post its! It’s my job to remind you about EVERYTHING!
Yea, then I got a little out of hand. This is our bed. Not our kids’. I am hoping he LOL’s along with me, instead of just reveling in the fact that I am GONE.
I considered putting a post it on Steve the Cat as a reminder to feed him, but he can fend for himself. When he’s hungry he just comes over and sits heavily on you and then tenderly shreds whatever appendage is closest, so he usually gets fed pretty regularly.
And then, later this morning, as I told the babies goodbye outside the school, you would have thought it was that “I’ll never let go, Jack” scene from Titanic. It was that heart-rending. Except nobody drowned.
I kept hugging on them and it got a little intense. In fact, I can’t help it. I just have to, once again, give you my favorite movie line ever. It wouldn’t be a Momsie post unless there was a Mohican.
Yep, that was me, dropping the boys off at school.
I am pretty sure I freaked out a few other kids. They passed me and then eyed the building with some nervousness, but then I just tried to explain that I was leaving for two days.
“Oh.” said one kid. It was an ‘Oh’ like, “Oh. You’re weird.” And then I turned around and both Blonde and Red were high tailing it for the front doors. They seemed a bit freaked out as well. I wonder why.
So, now I am off. Wish me luck. Also, you might want to pray for my marriage since it seems, after reading this post, that I have married a man who does not know how to open refrigerators, and has bowel problems.
Poor dear. He’s really going to love reading this. Keep those prayers coming!
Oh, and then I hopped in the car and this was waiting for me:
Chocolate. And a love note.
I think the boys will survive just fine.