Ok, so I write for a fabulous magazine called The Cov. It’s a good gig. I get to talk about Jesus and often, they allow funny. At the same time. I have a good relationship with the editors. I know this because I can send them kitty memes about procrastination and they seem to appreciate them.
And this one, which neatly sums up the process of trying to edit:
And this one:
Which really has nothing to do with writing but it cracks me up. Also this:
I know. I need to stop. So, the other day we were talking about a January column and I was all:
“HEY RESOLUTIONS! NO ONE HAS EVER DONE THAT BEFORE, RIGHT?”
And my editor, who I shall call Larry, said,
“Resolutions are hokey.”
Oh, it was on.
Actually, no. It was not on. I was all, “Oh, sure… right Larry, I totally agree.” I didn’t argue because he is kind of my boss, but NOT without muttering under my breath, all passive aggressive:
“You will rue the day, Larry.”
Not really sure where we’re going here, but I made MY OWN RESOLUTIONS ANYHOW ON MY BLOG! WHO’S THE BOSS NOW LARRY? HUH?
I know. I have to assert control somewhere.
MOMSIE’S RESOLUTIONS FOR 2017:
- Maintain a good working relationship with Larry.
- Stop putting my coffee in the microwave, zapping it for twenty seconds, and then leaving it there to ponder its uselessness until forty-eight hours later.
- I’m going to use this book on my children. I will hold them each in my hands, ponder them for a minute, and ask them, “Tell me, small Red who has once again left a swath jelly behind in the kitchen like its own sticky Exxon Valdez oil slick, DO YOU SPARK JOY? DO YA, PUNK? DO YOU FEEL LUCKY?
- I will figure out how to number things on my blog.
- I will not actually donate my children, I promise. But you gotta know, MARIE KONDO DOES NOT HAVE CHILDREN. One day, if she does, she will grab some sort of useless plastic toy in her hands and start pondering it, and ask, “Small useless piece of plastic from The McDonalds, do you spar-” and her wee child will start crying and Kondo will just roll her eyes and toss it at the baby. You know she will.
- I will brush and floss every day.
- Freaked you out with that one, didn’t I? You were wondering… “Wait. She DOESN’T brush every day? Why am I even reading this?
- I will stop overusing “skin fixing illuminating age defying serum that costs shackamillion dollars.” I figured since the packaging said it erases fine lines I should just, you know, slather it all over. And now I head out for my day every morning looking like I’m J Lo.
- Actually? Scratch that. If I want to look like J Lo I can. Say hello to my glowy little friend:
10. I will also try to get a handle on this:
Betcha can’t guess what type of personality I am? I’ll give you a hint: I often have slanty eyebrows and I rhyme with “SLAY.”
11. I WILL STOP SAYING ‘BOYS, ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?’ CUZ EVERYTIME I DO THAT A TREE FALLS IN THE FOREST AND EVERYONE HEARS IT.
12. And finally, as God is my witness, I will stop buying the bargain toilet paper. Life is just too short, people.
Here’s the thing (YOU KNOW I can’t write a post without some sort of “Here’s the moral to the story” moment? Right? Larry tells me I do this. It’s my thing. Alas, I often have no idea what I’m talking about in terms of morals, but I WILL CARRY ON.)
Anyhow, here’s the thing. I think this year I want to stop trying to lose things. I want to not try to lose weight or lose wrinkles or lose the clutter or lose my mind or whatevs.
I want more. I want enough piled on enough.
More: Jesus. Family. Special Locked Door Husband time (yes, that’s code for nookie). Laughter. Small children who have impossibly long lashes and a total inability to eat without making the kitchen look like a crime scene.
More cuddling with this huge fat furry fluff of goodness:
This picture illustrates that Steve is two things:
- A bit of a risk taker.
- Really doesn’t mind pencils. EduCATed. Har har har.
I will take more naps:
I don’t have a picture of ME napping so these are stand-in, blurry nappers. Look carefully for the dog, he’s at the end of the couch and is basically really really hurt because Steve has his spot.
Also, we’re so healthy! V-8!
I will take my kids sledding, even when there’s only about 2 inches of snow. We will still attempt it.
I will stay up a little later, act a little sillier, and hug even tighter.
Also, I’ll listen to the Xanadu soundtrack more often.
Oh, and I won’t drink. There’s always that. That’s one minus I will happily keep adding to my life.
And, I will write. I’ll even pen some resolutions. I will always, always love the re-set button that is January 1.
Happy New Year to you. May God richly bless you. You have been a HUGE blessing to me.
Even you, Larry.
That’s not actually Larry. Love you, Larry!