Once, I went to my obstetrician. (I think I was pregnant with one of the babies… who knows. Or pre baby. Or post. Does it really matter? Nope. The obstetrician sentence at the start of this is enough to get you interested, isn’t it?)
Yes, once I visited my obstetrician and whilst I was, er, visiting him (i.e., staring at the tile ceiling and humming “This Little Light of Mine” while he, you know, worked on the parts down there) he stopped in the middle of his plumbing and said, “Just relax.”
Insanity, I tell you.
YOU relax, doc. I prefer to sit here and test out my gluteal muscles as I try somehow to skitter off this table with the power of my buttocks alone.
And yes, I said “buttocks.”
People are strange. Toddlers are stranger. Toddlers like to divulge things that would get any rational adult locked UP. We all know this (we parents, at least) but let me share an example. Why? Because insanity loves company.
IHOP. Food arrives. Weary waitress sets gigantic, high fructose corn syrup dripping sugar sponge on table in front of Redhead. Redhead dissolves into tears of rage. “Dis is WONG!” Waitress looks confused.
“Wong!!! Itsa supposed to have choco chips ONNIT. Mommah, ONNIIT!! Where dey are?”
Waitress, who seems to have never dealt with small children before, narrows her eyes and looks at him as if he were a wart. Wart’s lip quivers and Momsie leans in and starts in on today’s CWBR lecture (Can We Be Rational? This lecture series has been going on for two years. No one really attends). “Honey. The chocolate chips are IN the pancakes… blah blah blah, not on the outside, just inside… bleh bleh blehbity blah, it’s the SAME thing.. blah blah bibbity bobbity boo…”
Crying continues and waitress stalks away for wart removal.
When she returns, Redhead no longer recognizes there was any problem whatsoever and has triumphantly sucked down most of the pancakes. She holds out a gigantic bowl of chocolate chips and sort of… waves them over his plate in an attempt to look useful. Red gleefully grabs bowl and starts down the road to insulin shock.
And then the Blonde announces loudly enough for folks in Idaho to hear:
“I finished all my bacon! And now the bacon is traveling DOWN. Waaaay DOWN! IT WILL BE IN MY BUM SOON! AND DEN IT’LL-”
Momsie kinda lunges for the Blonde, but in a totally loving and nurturing way, and hands him a chocolate chip.
Red starts wailing. “DOSE WERE MINE!! MINE!! MINE!”
Waitress backs away slowly and Momsie wishes Momsie could too…even if only for a moment.
Momsie out. Back to the insanity that is Toddlerhood.