This is going to hurt me more than it will hurt you:

Cap’n Crunch is spicy.

Count to four, and then the shot won’t hurt.

Mommy and Daddy are just discussing something.*

Mommy and Daddy are wrestling, and it’s just very warm in here.

Do as I say not as I do. (It might be better to just skip both of these.)

Frosted Flakes?  Also spicy.

Don’t touch Mommy’s computer.  It knows.

Ok, don’t touch Mommy’s phone–it’s spicy.

There are absolutely no green things in this.

Now, doesn’t it feel good to share?

The cat will let you pet it one day, I promise.

I am absolutely speechless.

Dr. Pepper is named that because it’s for sick people. Oh, and it’s spicy.

Mommy is going twenty-five miles an hour, and thank you so very much for reading every numbered sign you see. Very helpful.

Great job pooping.

That is an awesome sculpture of a turtle .

Of course I knew that was a sculpture of daddy–I was kidding!!!

Mommy isn’t sleeping.  She’s just resting her eyes.

Broccoli?  Little trees.

Mashed potatoes?  Kinda like pudding.

That squirrel? He’s resting.

Spiderman eats this every day–he texts me.

Mommy is almost done.

Just a minute longer.

Hold on just a sec.

A few more minutes.

Yea, Barney.

Yea, Clifford.

Yea, Miss Frizzle.  (I’m sorry, but that lady paints nothing but CRAZ-EE.)

Mommy will make some cookies that are JUST as yummy as Oreos!  And good for you too! Sing it with me:  Healthy choices are the beeeeeest choices!

Remote!  Where is it? AND IT MUST BE VERY WARM ON THAT CHANNEL.**

Oh, you’re full.  Your stomach just needs to think about it.

No, you don’t really need those Legos.  You just want them.  (He needs them. It’s a fact.  At least if you want him to support you one day.)

These? They are feminine items.  Feminine?  That’s what I am.  I guess. Or was.  Where do they go?  Right now, they go on the shelf.

Mommy has HAD it.  I have HAD IT UP TO HERE.  I AM… I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU!  I. AM. DONE.

(Momsie is never done.   I have never had it.  I promise. )

—–

*The hubs and I are fighting about who is more right.  It is as effective as giving cat a bath;  it’s a good destination, but there will be blood.  Just stick with a dirty cat and stay happy.

** And please.  We only have five channels (I am totally serious). Three of these channels are PBS.  One is the weather channel.  And STILL. Sweet bouncy mother of fleshiness.  The Victoria Secret commercial?  Airing at 6 pm? Around Christmas time?  Ya, you betcha.