Tuesday Takeout

50s-great-wood-cabinets-with-caloric-appliances415 — Pie Fail. But I am, and always will be THE BOMDIGGITY.

HOW NOT TO MAKE A PIE FOR THANKSGIVING:

1. Decide that since it’s for the family, you will make a practice pie first.

2. Also decide that since you are so thoughtful and thinkie ahead with this practice-run that you will… um.. improvise.

3. Ask yourself, “What can go wrong?”

4. Ignore all the voices in your head saying things like: “A LOT. DON’T IMPROVISE. IT’S BAKING. THE CHEM 201 OF COOKING! NO!! YOU FOOL! YOU FOOOOOL!!!”

5. Proceed blissfully to make a graham cracker crust for the pie. It’s awesome. You get to whack things.

Crunch up the grahams in a plastic bag – just pound away with that rolling pin! **PIE AS THERAPY!!**

6. Become rushed for time.

7. Bake off the crust and start the custard. (If you are paying attention, this means… YOU HAVE NOW STARTED DOING TWO THINGS AT THE SAME TIME. NO! NOOOOOO! YOU FOOL! FOOOOOOOOOLLLL!)

8. Decide that if 3 egg yolks are good, four must be better. Why? No reason. Just eggcentric. *

9. Cook that custard just a tad too much.

10. Put custard in pie shell.

11. Notice that you might have needed to temper the eggs before you added them to the milk mixture (Stay with me – this was back at Step #7 – when you started to MULTI-TASK. NOOOOOOOO!!!!! You FOOL! You FOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLL!)

12. Also notice that a graham cracker crust and a custard? Not a good idea. All the grahamy bits are now floating to the top of the pie and your pie, once baked, looks like this:

Hey, you say encouragingly, that’s not so bad! It’s a nice golden brown and… is it a crumble?

No. It’s a custard pie.

Oh. Wow. Well, I’m sure it’s gonna be delicious, let’s just cut into it and… Wow. It’s um… kinda… well…

Rubbery? Spongelike? Sorta like eating this?

Screenshot 2013-11-26 15.02.22 — Hey! Don’t include me in this mess! I am innocent!

13. Realize that you will have to get this thing eaten. Tell the kids, with a lot of bravado, they get to have PIE for breakfast. Because:

14. You just made scrambled egg pie.

15. The end.

—

Wanna make a pie that actually is custardy and delicious! That looks like THIS:

Screenshot 2013-11-26 15.09.22 — This is how we do it. And if you suddenly are back in the 90’s with Montell Jordan, you’re welcome.

Go HERE. Miss Diane will show you how it’s done, ya’ll. And her blog, Recipes for Our Daily Bread, is really, REALLY the bomdiggity. She’s a peach for sharing this with me, and who knows? Perhaps my next pie will be not something I inflict on my family.