P = Penalty. Illegal Substitution of Santa.

10567123-vintage-typewriter-letter-p-isolated-on-whitePregame show:

My man Josh Groban is crooning.

Hot cider is piping.

Two lords a leaping are in the kitchen, discussing whether or not their snack is any good. And then, the conversation takes a turn:

“Der is cookies on da shelp up der.  We canna have those later.”


“I don’t like raisings.  I took ‘em outta my muffin.  Set ‘em here.”


“Santa is watching us all the time.

“Yep.” Red has no problem with the non sequitor.  He created the non sequitor.   We adults can’t keep up because we are inflexible and also lack a sense of humor.

“I bet Santa doesn’t wike raisings.”


“But Santa will like da cookies we make for him!  He will!  And he will bring us AS MANY PWESENTS AS WE WANT!”




And this is when Momsie has to interject.  She can’t help it.  She has heard there was a TEACHABLE MOMENT so she must respond!  She’s like Batman!  Although at times somewhat more self righteous and apt to quote scripture!  Sometimes incorrectly!  And so she comes sailing in to the kitchen, ready to explain, my sweet darlings, the whole REASON we have Christmas, right?  Remember, my sweet little cherubs, that-

Blonde, ever the observant and a bit of a lawyer, has noticed my presence and starts loudly stating:

“And JESUS.  He was BORN on dis day!  It’s his BIRF DAY.  OK?”

“Yep.  Jesus.”

“I wuv Jesus.  He is all over da place!” Rapid hand movements.  Kinda like a seizure.

“Yep, Jesus.”

One final comment for the Gipper:  “Yep.  Jesus.  We will eat His cake for breakfast on Christmas. With da frostings.”

Momsie  sighs, takes her cape and hangs it up, then finds a seat in the bleachers.  It’s gonna be a long game.

First quarter:

Jesus is ahead with some questions from Red answered by Momsie, to Red’s satisfaction.  She didn’t have to access Strong’s Concordance for any of them.  All was well.  There was a bit of a consternation about Jesus and God being one and how was Jesus a a baby den?  Dat’s weird.  But score intact:  Jesus 7:  Santa 0

Second quarter:

Santa rallies with a powerful return on the kickoff due to the whole “Elf on the Shelf” thing.  The Elf is his receiver and definitely has skills; seriously, the elf can be anywhere at once, on shelves, above light fixtures, hanging over small boys’ beds all night long… Skills.

The return made for great yardage.  Santa carried the ball with ease when backed by these guys:



Last minute Santa makes a quick Statue of Liberty slip up and gets Donner (no one ever pays attention to him anyhow) to run it in.

Score:  Jesus 7 Santa 7

(Some of the elves almost received a penalty on the play for celebration, but that’s their thing, so they got away with it.  Jesus just smiled at all of it, of course.  He plays with class.)

Halftime:  Short show by the elves singing that horrible song from Rudolph, but nobody wanted to hear the whole thing.  It was replaced by God’s cheerleaders – the Angels from the Nativity.  Not your typical squad.  Glitter poms and spangled short shorts not really their thing.  Not necessary.  They blew it away. Small solo by the Little Drummer Boy brought tears, I tell you.

At one point, I think the Victoria Secret Angels wanted to get in on the game by providing some sort of halftime entertainment, to which BOTH Jesus and Santa firmly responded, “NO, thank you.”  This made them sulky, but then someone reminded them they have their own PRIME TIME TELEVISION TIME SLOT RIGHT SMACK IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CHRISTMAS SEASON.  That de-sulked most of ‘em.  You can’t really tell, though.  They’re models.  That’s their thing.

3rd quarter:

The entire quarter was dominated by this guy:


Also,  Lucy fumbled the snap to Charlie Brown.  (Of COURSE the Peanuts gang is on the Jesus team.  Don’t go there.  Yes, it’s Snoopy and a cartoon, but they have LINUS.)

And at one point, this guy:

Screenshot 2013-12-04 22.03.31

He caused a bit of a kerfuffle by setting an empty bench (Jesus team) on fire.  Luckily, well, Jesus was there.

Shall I continue?

You know who’s gonna win, right?

And you KNOW where I’m going with all this, right?  (For those of you who are shaking your heads no at the computer, I want to just hug you for keeping with me this long.  You are truly patient and kind.)

Next time your two adorable wee sons are eating their raisings in the kitchen and discussing Santa, and you walk in and they abruptly start loudly name dropping Jesus this and God that all over the place, while nervously watching for your reaction, but yet they are also (below the table) rubbing their little pudgy toddler hands together in glee because they are SO making points with mommy since they are so spiritual and toddler pious, and Jesus is da weason for da season, and this will mean more presents…

You just blow your coach whistle* as loudly as you can, throw a wipe up in the air and call it:


Don’t name drop Jesus.  He loves you too much for that.  If Santa is where it’s at for you, fine, but we will work together, a LOT, to help you understand why when your grandma makes this cross stitch and gives it to you, you actually do put it up in your house:

It’s a tough game for the toddlers.  Not easy for parents either.  I do my best and I use my whistle a lot.  I love that whistle.

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Woo Hoo! Sparkle hands!!!

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