Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my brother’s death.
I thought about keeping quiet on the topic. I didn’t want to be maudlin, or moody (moreso than normal) or you know, all sad and stuff… Because, as you know, my normal gig doesn’t really go in that direction. My normal gig is episodes about Escape from the Planet of the Toddlers shenanigans. And I like it that way.
The shenanigans are no longer a mask. They used to be, kind of. A few years back my fall back behavior was frazzled hilarity, and underneath I was a big soaking mess of despair and addiction.
So off the mask came and thus, every once in a while, I post Sad and Thoughtful Things.
I would give almost anything to hear my brother answer the phone at Dad’s work, like he used to do, and how he would then slip into some sort of sarcastic schpeel as soon as he realized it was his little sister.
Anything. Anything. I miss him so much.
Well, not anything.
I won’t give him my life. He gave up on his. I won’t.
I won’t give up my marriage. My children. He was divorced. He had no children. I won’t give up mine.
I won’t drink today. He drank every damn day. I won’t. I won’t give in to that.
That, I am sure, is how Chris would want it.
God is bigger than all of this. And I am so glad. Because I’m not. I don’t understand it or like it at all. There are many, MANY days when a nice, cold glass of wine at the end of a long day sounds SO nice, and sometimes, it all seems just so unfair.
Maybe so. I think I kind of used up my fairness card a long time ago. And God loves me like crazy, even though I am a tangled mess. And THAT, I am pretty sure, is not fair at all, to Him.
He doesn’t mind.