So recently my friend Rae had the audacity to move away.
Her hubs got a job in sunny California and she just LEFT me. LEFT, I tell you. I ask you, WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THIS WORLD WHEN FRIENDS MOVE AWAY BECAUSE MARRIAGE?
I know. Marriage is a holy union and all that but now… WHO will I send snarky posts about husbands?
(Backstory: Rae also has a husband who is adorable and wonderful, like mine, but at times we like to laugh at them via text. Because we can. Also, because it’s a fallen world and oh don’t send me an email, I’m working on it. Admitting it is half the battle, y’all.)
Anyhow. The lawyer is sighing heavily and reminding me rather tersely: We can STILL text each other. California does have texting, I’m pretty sure.
BUT STILL SHE LEFT ME. SHE JUST LEFT ME WHYYYYYY.
I had tried everything to get them to stay. Whining. Random sniveling. Prayer group sabotage. That one didn’t work at all, even thought I thought for sure it would. We were all gathered around Rae, praying over her trip and her move and all the stressers and other nonsense she was going through, and I entered in with this epic invocation:
“Dear Lord, I pray also that she just STAYS HERE THIS IS CRAZY. Could you, like, smite their U-Haul? Nicely?
But, okay, Thy will be done and all. I guess. Not really in this situation, but OK. Maybe.”
Strangely enough, the Lord didn’t follow through on this. I will talk more with Him about this later. The cute little hipsters, Rae and Sean, and their cute little kids, packed up and left me.
And so, I did the next best thing:
I decided to be selfless and wonderful and clean their house!
Actually, the lawyer is AGAIN asking me to clarify: I didn’t come up with the idea. My legitimately selfless and wonderful friend, Alissa, suggested we do it, and I just kinda horned on to it, and told everyone it was my idea.
I know. I have not, EVER, tried to establish that I am anywhere near perfect in this blog. But this post really accentuates all that, doesn’t it? Does this blog make me look fat, too?
So, I cleaned. Alissa watched our umpteen million small children. I think I got the better end of the deal.
And, while I was scrubbing away… I found… THIS (small flourish, and audible gasp!):
* Yes, I know this picture kinda looks like I am cleaning without any clothes on. Or maybe, that’s just me thinking that, and you didn’t really go there at all. Shows you how my brain works, doesn’t it? It’s a bit wonky. I guess, the whole “My heavens! Is she topless?” question is kinda fitting because of the subject matter. But, you know, it’s not that kinda blog.
Actually, I think sweet Rae left them for me. It’s a deck of cards. About Sex. Aptly named: “Sex!” The marketing team really went all out on this one.
It is the kind of thing you get when you get married and your hokey friends like to give you wildly embarrassing gifts all har dee har har, nudge nudge, wink wink, etc. And then, you put them in a drawer and forget alllll about ’em.
Until you move to California and you decide, “Hmmm, maybe I’ll leave these here. I have two kids under the age of 5 and I think I’m good on the whole nookie thing. I know! I’ll leave ’em for my friend! She’ll LOVE them!”
So, now they are at my house, shoved waaaaaaaay in the back of MY drawer.
For my children to find.**
Thank you, sweet Rae. My impossibly wonderful, tiny, fit friend. I will miss you. So very, very much.
** As every married couple seems to get at least one of these goofy types of presents, you can be sure that:
1. We did. It was something with feathers and edible glitter and my gosh that just seems like a lot of work.
2. I didn’t toss the gift. Even though the likelihood of me using a feather during nookie is very slim. Unless I wanted to dust something. I know.
3. Red found it. And wanted to talk about it. A lot.
4. I scheduled an appointment with my therapist that afternoon.
Loved this! Friendship, cleaning and sex toys, all in one post — WOW!!!!! I needed a laugh today. Thanks for providing it.