Gift or Gurney

So recently, I had an article published in my church’s magazine, The Covenant Companion.

Y’all. God is so totally hilarious.

Why? you ask? Well, I would now like to describe for you how my brain works. Stay with me because this might get a bit complicated.

Momsie’s brain: Huh! I had an article accepted for The Covenant Companion! That’s awesome! It’s a great magazine with like, thousands of readers. So cool!

Wait for it…

Momsie’s Brain: I am just gonna flip through the pages here… Can’t wait to see the article! Ima writer! Ina magazine! This is wonderful and amazi- WHOA WAIT A MINUTE. HOLD UP. JUST WOW. WOW.

And lo, here was the article:

Screenshot 2015-05-28 10.01.51HOLY HUGE FACE, BATMAN.

Screenshot 2015-05-28 10.11.28help.

Screenshot 2015-05-28 10.13.59

So, allow me for a minute to plonk down my neuroses right smack into the middle of this post, and try to explain the tangled muddle that is known as:

How Momsie Thinks

Or:

Hop on Board the Crazy Train

As some of you know… I am an alcoholic. Yep. This realization came to me about some four years ago, and I’ve been on the lovely and freaking hard journey ever since, climbing the big, fat mountain of recovery.

Don’t get me wrong, the mountain is great. It’s got good views. Nice clear skies. Lotsa fluffy clouds. Intense discussions with Jesus. It’s awesome.

But some days it still just really kicks me in the ass.

So. While alllll this was happening, I, for some weird reason, was writing a lot. Yes, I KNOW you therapists out there are probably able to give me lots of deep and psychological reasons why my creative synapses started shooting sparks when all this went down, but I just like to chalk it up to the fact that when I wrote I didn’t feel so miserable and nutty, and thank you, Jesus, for that. Nobody needs to be nutty, like ALL the time. Unless you’re a Kardashian, I guess.

Well, all the people I kept writing for kept saying this:

“Oh, you want to write about parenting? Or, knitting? Or how to teach your cat to fetch? Interesting. But really, we’d like you to write about your big number, your show stopper, you know, the one where you drank a lot and now don’t? Please write about that!”

And then. The Covenant Companion said, “Yes! Write about that drinking thing! It’s important and you will be helping people!”

Let me now interject again with Momsie’s brain.

Momsie’s Brain: Well, sure. I’ll do that. And somehow, no one will REALLY know it’s me that wrote the article, and so therefore… my church friends won’t, uh, KNOW know. I mean, they might kinda know… but not REALLY really know. That I’m. you know.

I know. My brain works in mysterious ways. Sometimes I just have to stop and take a breath and thank the good Lord I don’t have to operate heavy machinery on a daily basis.

The article was about how people in the church who are dealing with addiction need to be able to talk bout it, in the open, all honest and healthy and stuff.

And I do get the irony, y’all. I’m a writer. We do irony.

Sigh.

So, on that fateful morning, when I found my magazine in my post office, I pawed throught it, and:

WHAMMO. BIG FAT DANA FACE HOLY COW.

And that’s when God said, “I love you girl. But this is a wee bit funny, don’t you think?”

Good one, God.  Sometimes our best gifts can be a gurney, if we’re not careful.

And now, I’m gonna go give myself a facial. My pores need work.

Screenshot 2015-05-28 10.30.44

STOPPIT.

This post was brought to you by:

humility

And also this:

funny-Robert-Downey-humility-smiling1

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5 thoughts on “Gift or Gurney

  1. So, I completely love the irony that it was your big head that kept you from getting a big head about having a published article! I guess truly great authors really just ooze irony without even trying. Love it. And congrats on the article!

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