Momsie: Ok, I have gathered you three here today –
Steve: Bob’s not here. She’s still in the closet.
Me: I know, but I figured she might join us later once I bring out the treats.
Hosmer: TREAT! TREAT! TREAT! HOLY CRAP ON A CRACKER I THINK THE TOP OF MY HEAD IS GONNA BLOW OFF!
Steve: Really. Really? You brought this… into our house? So annoying. His only job is following and looking at humans endearingly. Oh, and look, he’s cocking his head and putting one ear up. This is clearly a sign of psychosis.
Hosmer: I am affable! and nice! That’s the ear! The EAR!
Steve: I will eat your soul.
Hosmer: I can play fetch! Fetch! Watch!!
Steve: Fetch is how they enslave you. Stupid dog.
Hosmer: We don’t use that word! Say sorry! Or not! It’s ok! I love you!
Steve: Ok, now I gotta pull out the big guns and just hiss at you. Make my tail about three times its size. Hold on, this is kinda hard (grunts)
Hosmer! Wow! that is impressive! That thing is like, like! HUGE! I can only wag mine! I love it! I love you!
Me: Ok. I can see we are still not really all that, um, comfortable with each other, but –
Hosmer! I am! I am all comfort all the time! Let me sit on you!
Me: Focus. Anyhow, I just wanted to say that we are a family, all of us.
From the closet: I’m not. I’m not a family. I am too tense to be family.
Me: FOCUS, pets. The point here is that we need to all try and get along. Steve, stop putting your butt in my face.
Steve: What? It’s effective communication.
Me: It’s passive aggressive, fur ball.
Hosmer: I have no idea what that means! But whatever it is I will never do it! But I will lick my privates while I try to cuddle with you! All night! It’s my love language!
Steve: My love language is sneer.
Closet: Love language is for pansies. I eat love language for breakfast.
Hosmer: Hey! I know! Let’s all get up and move around a bit! My tail is gonna take me into flight anyway… Moving is the best!
Momsie: Ok. I can see this isn’t really getting anywhere…
Hosmer: OH HOLY WALKING SHE’S MOVING THIS IS SO WONDERFUL I GET TO FOLLOW YOU! I KNOW I SAID EARLIER IT WAS THE BEST BUT THIS! THIS RIGHT NOW IS REALLY THE BEST!!!
Steve: *eyeroll* How can we work with this?
Momsie: Well. The clicking toenails thing did take a bit of time to get used to.. but you know? He’s cute.
Steve: I’M cute.
Closet: Not me. You pick me up and I go all stiff, like one of those taxidermy foxes.
Hosmer: HOLD THE PHONE, THERE’S A FOX IN HERE? WHERE? WHERE??
Steve and Closet: For the love.
Hosmer: YES! LOVE! I LOVE YOU GUYS! I FEEL HAPPYYYYYYY. I think I’ll go for a walk.* THIS RIGHT NOW IS THE BEST OF ALL THE BESTS!
Steve: Shaddup. Go fetch something. Like my soul.
So far, the state of the union in this house is tense and furry, at least from the feline perspective. The canine side of the house is oblivious and slobbery. And life goes on.
*Obscure movie reference to Monty Python, because the cats are Python fans. Of course.
The dog isn’t. You either “get” Python, or you don’t. He is of the “I don’t get it” tribe. But, you know, he also sniffs your crotch to say hello, so his level of humor is a bit less sophisticated.
For those of you in the “I get it” tribe:
“Take out the silly things!!”