Bedtime: It’s what separates the parents from those poor souls who have yet to experience  the crazy cymbal crashing monkey toy that is children.

I give you:

Bedtime Summit 2016

Momsie: I would like to begin today’s summit meeting with a moment of silence, honoring all those parents who were not able to make it here today because their children probably broke something large and expensive and thus, the poor parents have no money and they’re stuck at home with their wackadoo offspring.

*teensy moment of silence because then someone farted and this, as you know, is the international sign for “I think we need to move on.”*

Momsie: Blonde, do you have any opening comments?

Blonde: Of course. And here they are: I DON’T WANT TO GO TO BED.

Red: Me too! Or neither! Whichever one applies! I have no clothes on right now!

Momsie: Uh. Generally at the summit we do require the basic uniform of jammies. Or at least underwear.

Red: How about… underpants from three days ago?

Momsie: No.

Red: One sock? I found it on the floor.

Momsie: No. Very Jane’s Addiction and thus completely inappropriate. So there’s that. If you don’t know, don’t ask.

Red: I can just keep running up and down the hall with nothing on but a smile. I believe that would be normal bedtime protocol, ma’am. We established that in Bedtime Summit 2013 and it’s still going strong.

Momsie: Sigh. Carry on.

Blonde: I would like to discuss ruling #654 where you outlawed Legos? I think this is a clearly intolerant of Legos. And the ones who play with em.

Red: *streaks by* GIMME MORE LEGOS IN THE SHEETS! SO I CAN ROLL OVER ON EM AT THREE AM AND THEN CRYYYYYYYY!

Momsie: That ruling stands. If you would check the by-laws-

Red: *stopped long enough to fervently whisper in the ear of Blonde*

Blonde: Well, we would like to establish that half of us here are still a little bit shaky on the reading part? So, there will be no actual reading of these things you call ‘the by-laws.’ We want fairness for those who cannot read. And der big brothers. I can read, by the way, but I chose to only do so when it’s past ten pm at night.

Momsie: This is just ridiculous. Let’s move on, gentleman. You know what we’re here for today.

Blonde: I’m just gonna go find another book to add to the fifteen thousand already piled next to my bed. Let’s take a short recess.

Red: RECESS! WITH THE NAKED RUNNING! OH MY GOODNESS HOW COULD THIS GET ANY BETTER!

Momsie: This is not COURT, people. We don’t take a RECESS. CALM DOWN RED STOP WITH THE ALL CAPS FOR THE LOVE OF PETE WOULD YOU PUT ON SOME CLOTHES. BLONDE? Put the gavel down. DOWN. PUT IT DOWN. THIS IS NOT LAW AND ORDER.

Blonde: You know? I really love that show. The doink-doink. Gets me every time.

Momsie: Wait a minute. How did you end up watching Law and Order? Are you using it for research? I have already TOLD you that you can’t earn a law degree at seven years old and furthermore YOU ARE TOO LITTLE TO BE WATCHING THAT–Oh, I see what you’re doing here. Distraction won’t work, Blondie. We are here today (unfurls powerpoint presentation) to discuss THIS:

YOU SIMPLY HAVE TO BRUSH FOR LONGER THAN TWO SECONDS. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.

Red and Blonde: *eye roll*

Momsie: So, to begin–BLONDE SO HELP ME PUT THAT GAVEL DOWN OR I WILL PUT IT DOWN FOR YOU IN A WAY THAT IS SO NOT WHAT YOU WOULD EXPECT FOR A FAMILY BLOG.

Red and Blonde: *Uncontrollable giggling, the really squeaky kind that signifies that any minute their tiny little brains are going to overload and they’ll start floating towards the ceiling.*

Momsie: Really, could we just-

*More squeaking*

Momsie: Pull it together both of you. This is serious-

*Squeaking has reached decibels that only dogs can hear. All dogs in neighborhood on high alert. Our dog, Hosmer, starts to chuckle but is silenced by a deadly look from Momsie.*

Momsie: Oh for Pete’s sake WOULD YOU TWO JUST BE QUIET AND GO TO BED! I’M GOING TO PRAY! IT’S TIME TO PRAY! BEDTIME! NOW! SHEETS! UNDER ‘EM! GET DOWN! DOWN, DOWN!

GO TO SLEEP NOW I’M PRAYING AND SO HELP ME IF I HEAR A PEEP GOD WILL NOT BE HAPPY WITH YOU. THERE WILL BE SMITING. I SEE YOU VIBRATING THERE UNDER THE COVERS CUT IT OUT JESUS IS WATCHING.

*Clears throat and bows head*

Dear Lord, we are gathered here today to go to bed. I’m not sure you need to be reminded, but you parted the Red Sea, right?  *Gestures weakly towards giggling savages.*

PLEASE, FOR ALL THINGS HOLY JUST MAKE ‘EM GO TO BED.

Amen.

AND END OF BEDTIME SUMMIT 2016.

You’re welcome to attend next year’s summit, where we will probably try to broach the subject of whether or not we actually become the Sahara after nine pm, and no children have ever had any water to drink ever ever in this house. Like, ever.

At bedtime.