The Fourth of July: A One Act Play
Hosmer, the Dog and Not the Player
Steve the Cat
Cameo: Bob, the Other Cat
Opening scene, The Front Door:
Steve the Cat: I’m just gonna lean on this glass door here. Glass is transparent, did you know? And all the large booming noises and all those sparks flying all over? They do not merit even a switch of my whiskers. In fact, I think now is the time to pick up my back foot and just start grooming myself. In front of this door. Right here.
Hosmer: Right THERE? The door is the gateway to the Doom of Forever! FOREVERRRRRRRR. I AM NOT OK WITH YOU GROOMING YOUR BEHIND IN THIS PLAY. CHILDREN MIGHT BE PRESENT. CUT IT OUT.
Steve the Cat: Suck it, canine.
Hosmer: WHAT is UP with the blowing up of stuff out there? I am not in the military, but I am pretty sure this is what they call an ATTACK. THEY ARE ATTACKING. WE NEED TO RETREAT. RETREEEEEEAT.
Steve: This family does not retreat. As General Patton said, “Cats are superior beings.”
Hosmer: I can’t quite hear you as I have wedged myself underneath the refrigerator.Wait, what?
Steve: I believe it’s time to now flop down and show my large white underbelly to you. Because I can. Because, look. The belly. It’s hypnotic.
Bob: *Oh for heaven’s sake this is not Showtime.* (from the closet, stage left. WAY left. Like upstairs, left.)
Steve and Hosmer: Shut it, tiny, nervous, invisible cat. No one believes you even exist.
Bob: That’s because I haven’t come out of the closet since 2012.
Steve: (giggles) He said, “Come out of the closet. You know. That’s kinda funny. But not in an intolerant way. Oh dear.”
Hosmer: Good one. You just lost half our readership. Geez. Anyway, it’s kinda hard to discuss anything with you right now as I am now trying to figure out how to make the ice maker stop going off because it TOO is making me nervous. And with basically the END TIMES knocking on our door I cannot do ICE TOO. THIS WORLD IS SO HARD IF YOU ARE FURRY.
Husband: I’m furry! It’s not so hard! (har har har)
Bob: *eye roll towards husband Human because he’s got Dad humor and it’s a hot mess* Look, being furry is not so hard. Just live in the closet. I have been perfectly content lacquering my owner’s clothing with hair and furballs for four years. As realtors say, “It’s cozy.”
Hosmer: Has anyone noticed that this play is really boring?
Steve: I know. There goes the other half of the readership. We need to rally. As General Patton said, “Cat’s are going to take over the world.”
Hosmer: I see what you’re doing.
Bob: People, the solution is clear. Come to the closet. Except, find another one. You can’t be in here with me. I’m too twitchy for that.
Steve and Hosmer: NO ONE EVEN THINKS YOU ARE REAL. SHADDUP.
Hosmer: Ok, my Human came back! She is back in the house! It’s been so long! I missed you so much! Thank you! Thank you for coming back to meeeee!
Steve: Dude. Have some pride. She was gone for ten minutes.
Hosmer: I have my pride but first I am going to crawl up her front side and perch right here on her shoulders like a couture doggie backpack. No problem! Comfortable for allll!
Steve: You look ridiculous.
Hosmer: I am! I know! I don’t care! My Human will help me! Only if I basically try to fit myself onto her skull, but that’s how all the pet owners do it on the fourth of July!
Steve: *Really loud boom* Wow, that was kinda a loud one. I think I might have to blink at it a little and slowly amble my way over to you and stare while you levitate off the couch in total fear of the endtimes. And, I’m going back to the licking thing. It’s hypnotic, isn’t it? Oh and wait! Here’s the grand finale! The big finish! Furball!
Hosmer: Wow. Can I just say? That scene in Galaxy Quest with the Chompers? That is exactly, EXACTLY how I feel about fireworks. *Turns to audience* And did you know? Galaxy Quest is now streaming on Netflix! Great movie! *winks*
Bob: I would like to state for the record that I am not participating in shameless plugging of the Netflixes. I never watch it. Because I am here. In the closet. Forever. Perhaps one day the Humans will get me a tv in here. Maybe a cushion or two. It could happen.
Hosmer: I would also like to state for the record that the following clip has potty language. But you know? It really does pretty much sum up my view of blowing up stuff on this holiday. I got an idea, Humans. Why don’t you just throw tennis balls around? The really slobbery kind? Those are so fun. And, you could eat the things you call the hotdogs so I can wait for them to fall to the ground. But no one ever listens to me. I’m just the dog.
Steve: Very true. You are just the dog. And, as General Patton always said-
Hosmer: Oh go choke on some catnip.
Stay tuned for the sequel:
Halloween! Let’s Freak Out Every Five Minutes!
Coming soon to a off off OFF Broadway location near you. Maybe. Probably not. Ok, you know, it’s about as likely as the tv in the closet thing, but you know.