Everything is Awful
A group of clowns have alighted upon the steps of Congress, with some signs and a bunch of squeaky horns. Mr. Sprinkles, the spokesperson for the group, explains, “We are just here today to help the public know that- HEY CUT OUT THE SQUEAKING. I’M TRYING TO TALK HERE!- Sorry. Whenever we assemble like this it tends to be kind of a…”
Mr. Sprinkles: Right. Circus. I saw what you did there. I know we’ve been in the news a bit lately, in a negative way. We want the public to know that we are good people. Granted, we do tend to terrify the pants off of some folks. But, you know, that’s comedy.
Interviewer: Also, that movie IT didn’t really do much good for you.
Mr Sprinkles: We don’t speak the name of that movie here. Which makes sense, since a lot of us are mimes.
(Background chanting: “We’re not bad people! We’re just a bunch of clowns!” interspersed with some fart noises from the Whoopie Cushion Brigade.)
Interviewer: So, you are protesting on account of…??
Mr. Sprinkles: Clowns do not protest. We assemble and goof off.
Stressed-Out Bystander: Hey. HEY. You clowns can’t do this here. It’s freaking everybody out. We are stressed OUT, you hear? We have had enough. You add a buncha clowns to the mix and somebody’s gonna start crying.
Binkie the Clown: I know it. One of my kids had to do a current event report on the political debates? He got grounded for words he used in his own report.
Bystander: Dude. That’s harsh.
Binkie: What? It wasn’t me. I can’t ground people. I’m a clown. It’s against our code. Anyhow, the teacher did it. She kinda snapped, I think. It’s a tough year to be teaching high school government, I tell you. (Squeaks at the camera.)
Some other bystander who has input: America. It’s going to hell in a hand basket, I tell you.
Binkie: Language, dude. There are kids present. Unless they’re in school. Getting grounded. (Squeaks at the camera, again.)
Interviewer: Well, I hate to rain on this…
Mr. Squeaky: Parade? You’ve been waiting to say that. I can tell, because, I’m a clown.
Interview: Well, um, back to the studio. This has been a freak show from the beginning.
And later today, we’ll bring in Martha Stewart to show us some tasteful fall hand basket displays. How’s that for a tie-in! All is not lost!
Bystander: That’s right. Hand Baskets? They get a bad rap. They need to take a stand. (Squeaks at the camera.)
The lesson from this blog post? When in doubt, squeak at the camera.