No, this is not a post about a rabid squirrel. This is a post about a squirrel practicing proper dental hygiene. Of course it is.
First of all, did you know, there is a type of squirrel that you may be harboring in your very own household.
I know. This might seem totally terrifying, but just look at the little preshums. They’re sooooo cute! I present to you:
These creatures have been studied, up close, by me, for over eight years now.
Eight long, scientific years.
In mom years, here’s the math:
Mom Years Math
Like 2 seconds because they’re so cute and adorable I love them so + eternity + every grey hair I have now and the wrinkles -half the wrinkles because those belong to the husband + every Caillou episode I had to watch =
= 8 years
Or something like that.
Anyhow, Squirrelus Pipsqeakus. These little creatures have some really strange habits that I will outline for you below. Very sciencey stuff:
The Strange Bedtime Habits of the Rodent Children In Your House.
These Kids Be Nuts.
- One hour prior to bedtime both children will behave fairly normally, until one of them is asked to help with the recycling. This will seem to throw both children into a stupor paired with a sudden onset of paralysis.
- The recycling activity will take about four hundred years. It is also noted that this time of the night is when both children decide to take their personalities into the realm of “I’m really going to annoy you all,” and “It’s time to inflict myself upon you.” NO child is harmed during the gathering of this data.
- The infliction process continues for another four hundred years.
- The rodents then shift into “I will redeem myself” status when UNO is offered up, like a nut treat.
- UNO then usually is finished up with some high pitched wailing and gnashing of teeth, which is so appropriate, because teeth brushing.
- It is duly noted that no rodent has ever been able to brush his teeth without making the bathroom a holy pit of spitty despair.
- Spitty Pit of despair is then peed upon.
- We have now shifted into the “Bat shit crazy” part of the evening. Sorry. It’s a bad word, I know, but I also KNOW you can relate. Don’t tell me you haven’t seen it in your own household. And, as a neat tie-in, bats are rodents too. I think. I’ll check later when I catch up on my Wild Kratts.
- Lots of running about and rodent-y mayhem. Usual stuff.
- The father of the household starts uttering things that sound like, “If you don’t-” and “I’ve had just about enough-” and “I’m coming up there-” followed by high pitched giggling.
- Dad squirrel starts stomping upstairs.
- Pipsqueaks then vault from about five feet away in the hall straight to their beds, displaying marvelous arial skills and also PROVING, once and for ALL, they they actually CAN AIM THINGS. I repeat. THEY CAN. AIM.
- Mother squirrel opens the bible to Revelations and starts reading aloud about the white horse and all, because she is pretty sure this will set the tone.
- Squirrels start to ask about these things: Blood vessels, string theory, do cats date before they get the kittens together, what is infinity, does God wear shoes, if so, what type, can we get a snake, if so, what type, and what’s for dinner tomorrow, and for the rest of our lives?
- Mom squirrel slowly backs out of the room, leaving…
- Dad to deal with them. She gave birth to them, so that’s totally fair.
The rest of the evening is paired with a lot more of #10 and then, at some point, the 6 year old squirrel decides NOW is the time to start figuring out how to build a new addition onto the house for the cats. He requests pen and paper for his plans, is refused, and collapses into despair. “I won’t remember this tomorrow!” he wails. I feel for him. I really do. I come up with absolutely amazing writing ideas at night and then, by morning? All I can remember is that something happened and it was maybe about one of my kids. Or cats, dating. Sigh I empathize, little squirrel kid.
17. Both squirrels curl up and SLEEP.
18. Mom comes in and stares at them both for a good four hundred minutes, because they are the most adorable creatures ever in the entire earth forever and ever, amen.
Stay tuned for part two of my observations, entitled:
The Eating Habits of the Squirrel Children that Inhabit My House.
How Can My Kid Be a Squirrel and Have a Nut Allergy. Unfair.
Really? It’s Mashed Potatoes. It Won’t Kill You.