Merry Christmas break, y’all.

I start out with glitter and cookies and reindeer magic. By the end? I’m covered in crumbs and fatigue. You know if reindeer hang out too long, it just gets… messy.

Teachers have a slightly different view of all this. know from experience. They are getting a much needed break. Unless they have children of their own, and then it’s just kinda a continuation of their lives but without a planning period.

I have been thinking lately about my favorite lesson plans. I used to write many of these. We teachers, we’re always planning, thinking, plotting, commenting, “Oh! I need to use that in my classroom!” We can’t help it. We are wired weirdly. I’m sure a science teacher could explain.

As a teacher, I was in the classroom for over twenty years. Think of it. Six classes a day, for some two hundred days, for some twenty years, with plans upon plans and more plans… YOU do the math. I don’t teach math. That’s another teacher’s department.

But as a substitute teacher, these past two years, I have come across some real lesson planning gems.

Some teachers go all Big Brother:

1. Here is a list of all my students’ pictures, seating arrangements, allergies, likes, dislikes, deepest fears, hopes, dreams, and what they had for dinner last night. Please make sure to utilize this list throughout the day.

Or, General Patton:

1. 7:52: start the hour with spelling and pushups.
2. Continue the pushups into math at 8:43 on the sharp.
3. Children will remain silent and lined up at all times.
4. Everything on my desk needs to remain at right angles.
5. There is no crying in math class.

Or, Unicorns and Rainbows:

1. Hug the cherubs! Tell them I miss them! Arts and crafts for everyone!
2. Glitter and candy!
3. I’m on a long break but I’ll be all better soon! *twitchy laughter*

Or, my favorite:

1. Whatever you do, don’t feed them after midnight.
2. Good luck, kid.

I recently “subbed” at a living museum called “The Body” at our school. I was in charge of The Mouth. There is really no reason to point out the irony here, is there?

So, here I am:

Those scrubs are so commmmmmmfffyyy. I have a plan: I am going to start wearing scrubs all the time. That way, people will assume I am in the medical field, which is so cool,  AND I’ll be sooooo comfy at the same time. Double bonus.

Also, yes, that are gigantic nostrils looming above me.

Then, there’s this:

And as I unpacked my gigantic toothbrush and floss, I came across my lesson plans, a series of instructions for how to keep the kids seated on the huge teeth without flipping over, and that Laffy Taffy is basically the devil.

And then, of course, there was this little tidbit of information:

“DO NOT ALLOW THE CHILDREN TO PUNCH THE UVULA.”

You know? You just don’t hear that very often in a lesson plan.

Merry Christmas, and have a very merry vacation, teachers. You deserve it.