Enoughness, Part One.

 

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I would be sipping a La Croix, of course.

 

I’m going to blame all of this on Harry and Meghan’s wedding.

And on Lifetime television, which is to blame for so many, many things.

Also, on my children because why not?

Perhaps the dog was involved too.

So, last night as I was sitting on the couch, trying to write an article about prayer and other highly spiritual matters, I flipped on the television (I know. It’s not the best practice to have the tellie on whilst trying to write but it was 8 pm and let’s face it, I wasn’t aiming for a Pulitzer at that point. I was hoping to stay awake and also somewhat intelligible, all at the same time. Thus: Project Runway! It keeps me awake because Heidi’s voice is just scratchy enough in the background to keep the synapses firing. I don’t really watch, folks. I just listen to them cattily eye each other’s work while I type away, until the runway show where they’ve created a wedding gown out of tinfoil and dog food (and yes that has actually happened on that show)

Oh wow. I just put a parenthesis inside a parenthesis without really realizing it. Perhaps I should get back on track. Not even gonna fix it though. I’m gonna own my nutball grammar. That’s how I roll.

Back to me and the couch and scrolling through Lifetime. There it was: that terribly accurate movie about Harry and Meghan. It was just sitting there, in my cue, with the actor/Harry looking all handsome and red-headed and British and royal but yet still rebellious AND sensitive all at ONCE. Yes, also, Meghan actress was great. But HARRY. That’s the stuff, right there. And so, I clicked on it.

But, as so often happens when I just watch something (I put the Pulitzer wanna-be article aside, folks. Harry/actor needed my undivided) I started to feel a bit… peckish.

Ok, that’s not really true. I had a great dinner. I was totally full, actually. But I just wanted to munch, you know?

And then… I ate our kitchen.

If I’d had the chance, and it wouldn’t have been weird, I woulda gone next door (but only during a commercial break!) and eaten their kitchen too.

I am not even going to trouble you with the details of what I inhaled, but let’s just say that Cool Ranch Doritos were involved and I actually don’t even LIKE Cool Ranch Doritos. In fact, I would say? Not much of anything that I scarfed down last night (during the commercial breaks! Of which there were a lot! Unfortunately!) was really all that yummy. I dunno. Is a half of a hamburger bun smeared with honey, yummy? It seemed kinda pathetic, my bun, and all it’s honey.

Backstory: Wayyyyyy back in November I told you about some changes I wanted to make for me. Issues with health and food and my ability to procrastinate so hard on some things that it could be my own Olympic event where I could win GOLD. Which, if you think about it, isn’t so bad… a gold medal and all. But I wouldn’t ever get around to actually winning it.

So, November, I started to do a few things, reallllllly slowly:

  1. I started a running program again. It had been sorta willy nilly until then and did you know? If you try to run three miles willy nilly your thighs say things like, “I don’t UNDERSTAND why you are DOING this to me! This is just mean! Let’s stop right now.”  Thighs that argue? Never good.
  2. I tried to understand that I am actually really and for once and for all a REAL WRITER. Did I mention that BOOK TWO IS COMING OUT? I know. It shocks me still.
  3. I tried to understand food.
  4. And me. Me + food.
  5. Y’all. It’s complicated.

What I’m trying to say here is that I had finally gotten to the point where I needed to address some stuff in my life. And life, as it tends to be, made this hard.

(My husband would like to insert here that it wasn’t “life” it was ME. I make things harder than I need them to be. He says this to me once in a while and I roll my eyes at him and flounce out of the room in a huff. I would like to establish again that it was LIFE that did this to me, and my tendency to overthink and mull and perhaps worry a bit too much had NOTHING to do with it. Flounce flounce flounce. )

The hard truth of it was this: I had gained a heck of a lot of weight and I’m short and I was feeling rather awful about it all – both physically and mentally. You know the feeling. When you avoid reflective surfaces and your pants start saying prayers before you tug them on, and walking the dog makes you question why you have a dog.

Pair all that with this whole public persona thing that goes along with being an author of now TWO books (coming out in August, I promise. I did not make this up). = negative self talk and some really bad choices involving fried chicken.

Y’all. I have issues.

I know this comes as life-shattering news to you.

I think it all sorta stems from the being an alcoholic thing, but I want to tread lightly there, because far too many people in recovery get sober and then think, “Well then! Let’s fix ALL the things!”

No. Nope. NOPETY-NOPE, sober people. Slow down. Getting sober is hard enough.

But, I have some years in recovery, now. And it was time. My heart was telling me. And if I had learned anything in recovery it’s that when your heart says things like, “Dana? You are making yourself sad. Let’s work on this,” I have to listen.

And now it’s May. Seven months later. And last night I ate New Jersey. What can I say? I TOLD YOU I WAS MESSED UP.

I have, also, lost quite a bit of weight since November. I have found muscles again. It has been a process.  A long one. It has involved not a diet or a plan or rice cakes or any of that. It’s involved me trying to figure out me, and that’s not been a heck of a lot harder than eating rice cakes.

Progress, not perfection folks.

I am going to write more about this. I need to. I might even tell you what I did and why and how and all that stuff (people always want to know the ins and outs, and I get that). I just wanted to talk about it what I’ve been figuring out.

It has to do with understanding Enoughness. And yes, that’s a made up word but it’s my blog.

So, this morning, as I am sipping my coffee and contemplating a run with thighs that don’t argue back so much as they did in November, I thought I’d tell you one part of the journey that has finally, FINALLY  made sense to me. And it’s this:

When you eat New Jersey, you don’t have to eat the entire eastern seaboard too.

And you can forgive yourself.

And also? It’s a metaphorical New Jersey, so there’s thank God for that.

 

 

Oh and also? I’m just gonna leave this right here:

 

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princot-hari

 

 

 

 

 

 

I MEAN….IT’S UNCANNY.

 

I will now start referring to myself as, Her Royal Highness, the Duchess of Momsie.

Has a ring to it, no?

Flounce, flounce, flounce

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I am amazing and wonderful and I’ll work on humility tomorrow.

Today’s post is all about Five Minute Friday. The theme?

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Hi, um, humility? I got this one. You just sit back and bide your time, ok? Go eat something with lots of vegies in it, and fiber, and watch some educational television. Or do yoga. You know, just go on being the workhorse of Goodness, because today?

Today I am not gonna hang out with you at ALL.

Today. Just for Today. I am:

Awesome.

Capable.

Strong.

Pretty.

And I am SO jazzed on caffeine right now.

Also, I am:

Terrible at yoga, but I will continue at it. Even if that means a face plant during that weird spread eagle pose. I will do it anyhow.

Why? Because that’s how awesome I am.

Also: I am pretty bad at making solid decisions that are really well-analyzed and researched. I guess it’s because I had to teach the research paper to 7th graders and that’ll put anyone off their game.

But I continue to make decisions, on a daily basis, and you know what? I stand by most of them. I try to do stuff in a way that matches my insides with my outsides.

Because, I am still SO awesome.

Today, as I write this post, on the couch, with a large vat of coffee and my dog for warmth (our house is over 100 years old. It’s always chilly) – I am pretty convinced that I am the best thing ever.

Also: I took a shower this morning AND put on real clothes. The kind that have buttons. I MIGHT EVEN ACCESSORIZE.

I deserve a parade.

I thought about the theme today and realized two things:

  1. Reflection is good. It’s necessary. We need to do it to take tabs on our life, our progress. The ever shifting world.
  2. If I reflect for one second too long I slip over into total nutball.

Here’s what I mean. I look into the mirror every morning, attempting to do the mascara thing without taking out an eyeball because I am getting old-ish and can’t SEE much. Anyhow, if I stand in front of that mirror a tad too long?

I tend to think I have somehow morphed into this lady:

hqdefaultJudgemental creep. She’s fixated on the little things (shoes) and has a voice that can make dogs howl. Also, it’s pretty clear she hates the dentist.* She has some things to work through, and there is no amount of foundation that is gonna deal with that green.

So, reflect. Look back. Look forward. But also remember to two things:

  1. You didn’t make you. God did. And He is in charge and He loves beautiful things. He is the Michelangelo and you are the David, and last I checked, there was no green going on in that image at ALL.
  2. Just remember #1, okay? Especially on the green days. Because, there are always green days.

Reflect and remember who gave you the brains and heart to wish for reflection in the first place. He sculpted a pretty amazing thing.

And now, I am gonna take my fabulous self and prance right out of here to Papa Johns. Because, I promised my babies a Christmas movie night, and that pizza isn’t going to make itself tonight. No sir.

Merry Christmas. Take time to reflect a little on this:

The God of ALL creation, allowed us to live along side His son. The ruler of all the Universe likes to hang out with us.

Amazing. Simply breath-taking.

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If a human can create this majesty, just think what God can do.

 

*As awesome as I am, I still have not been to the dentist in three years. I’m all cowardly lion on that one. Progress, not perfection.

 

 

 

Learning Curve

Linking up with Five Minute Friday today!

The theme is:

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It’s a teensy weensy bit possible I have an issue with perfectionism.

I know. It’s one of those “okay” issues. Not like some of the other, *cough* BIG ‘isms’ I have problems with…

This is the one that you can tell people about, as your cross to bear, when they interview you and ask for your flaws.

“Well…” you say, eyes downcast, with humility blaring out of every pore, “I tend to have a bit of a problem with perfectionism…”

And then, WHAMMO, you get the job! Because, you KNOW, and they KNOW that this is GREAT! Who wouldn’t want someone working for them that is willing to wear themselves down to bloody nub to make sure everything is Just. Exactly. Right!??

Unless, of course, you work for these bozos:

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This is their normal attire. The dress code around here is INTENSE.

Anyhow. I think it’s about time to lay down the perfectionism and give it up to God. Really. REALLY. For once and for all – I gotta let it GO.

But.

My main problem with that is, well, I tend to be rather all-or-nothing on life skills. (I do realize too that this directly stems from, um, OTHER ‘isms’ in life… like, yes, I’ll say it, the alcoholism…

Not to mention the:

blamingeveryoneelseformyproblemism

freakingoutaboutsmallstuffism

totallyoverexaggeratingism

grumpyatfiveocklockism (ooo that’s a bad one)

and…

IMKINDAAPAININTHEASSIM

But, I’m just gonna go for one thing at a time!

So, today? I will accept that my five year old has his underpants on backwards. It’s his second day of kindergarten. Small potatoes.

Also, that the haircut I gave my six year old kinda makes him look like the guy from Dumb and Dumber.

That the lunch I packed for Blonde does not look like something from Pinterest. Nor will it ever. EVER.

That I cannot, for the life of me, keep this house in the pristine condition that I see in my MIND all the time (darn you, Pinterest!)

That I overuse garlic and underuse basic common sense in cooking.

That I refuse to get in shape because it might hurt.

That… oh heckfire. The list goes ON and ON. You know the list. We all have them.

I think today is a good day to write them down and burn them. *shakes fist with fervor* BURRRRRRN themmmmm I say!!!!!

But, while I’m doing so? I try no tot notice the jungle-length grass and that my backyard looks like a Toys ‘R Us  Graveyard for Old and Broken Things. (I do suggest burning list OUTSIDE, ok? At least I have that much sense. Burning the house down in an effort to vanquish perfectionism kinda works against itself.)

When the perfectionist fairy comes flying by and sweetly reminds you that your life is rather nutty? Just swat her away and repeat after me: “Coffee and Jesus. Coffee and Jesus… That’s all I need.” I am learning, with His help to let go.

Tomorrow? I’m gonna work on the grumpyism one. Wish me luck. You know what I am learning? That there’s a steep learning curve in this house, and for that I am VERY GRATEFUL.

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But, I’m trying! Progress, not perfection ya’ll. Thank goodness.