SNARK ATTACK FOLLOWING. HEAVY SNARKITTUDE. There’s a SNARK IN THE WATER. BE WARNED:
I know it’s November, and this month we are all about gratitude.
But. Today‘s opposite day? So I’m going to post? This?
Top Ten Things For Which I am Not Grateful:
1. People who are up talkers? At the end of all their sentences? They don’t really have an idea at all, really? What they’re talking about?
2. Overuse of the !. People, I’m an English teacher. Yes, I chose to do it. Listen to me: use more than one of those suckers in an academic paper about something erudite and literary and crud, and you end up sounding like you’re name is *Brittani! And you’re so pumped! Because you’re trying out for your 7th grade cheer leading squad! (Double bonus if you use a heart to dot your ! And yes, it has happened.)
3. There’s a Wocket in My Pocket. That book creeps me out.
4. Know what other book really creeps me out? I’ll Love You, FOREVER. Wow. Forever? Enough to crawl in your son’s window at night when he’s in his thirties? Lady! Get a life! This is American Horror Story stuff! Please! (Ok, see rule 2.)
5. People who say, “Do as I say; not as I do.” (Yep, see rule 4.)
6. “Irregardless.” IT’S NOT A WORD. YOU KEEP WANTING IT TO BE, BUT IT’S JUST NOT.
7. Close-talkers. There are too many walls around to deal with you people.
8. “I myself.” What other “I” are you talking about? It’s troubling.
9. Socks that you bought at Dillards for like a lotta amount of dollars, and they keep slipping down over your heel. It’s un-American.
10. And speaking of un-American: any toy from Dollar General. It’s gonna last about 24 minutes.
Bonus: Bra straps. I hate them. I realize that gravity exists and all, and we need ’em. And there really is no super comfy strapless option out there me. Strapless is all about, well, prom night or Victoria Secret bouncy fleshyness. Not momsies who are tired and just don’t like to deal with the added hassle. It is possible I need to stop buying my bras at Dollar General. (All right, all RIGHT! See rule 10.)
Oh YEA! And another thing! The Victoria Secret commercials? It’s Christmas? So of course they gotta start airing them all the time? Right? Baby Jesus… and diamond encrusted bra straps. Sigh.
Oh, and people who start lists and then just end up rambling and whining endlessly.
*If your name is Brittani, I apologize. You took one for the team today. Well done, chin up, and keep telling people it’s with an “i” not a “y.” Carri on soldier.
Go here to read a very accurate review of this nutball book. Shaun gets the creepy.
I promise – I’ll be grateful again. Just not today. I feel much better.