This one is for the introverts out there. You know who you are. I mean, you wouldn’t probably tell me anyhow, because introverts.
Someday, somebody is gonna come to me and ask me for advice. I am still waiting for this to happen, but I am sure of it. It could happen any time now.
And, my friends, I will be ready.
Oh heck, I’m just gonna spill it here. Prepare yourselves. This is the best unsolicited and unwanted advice you are going to get today, mainly because I’m really tired of waiting for someone to see the fat ton of wisdom that is Momsie over here:
Ready? Here it is. It’s coming. Bet you can’t wait, can you? So, here goes.
Ahem. Momsie’s Rule to Live By and the Best Advice Ever:
LIFE IS MEANT FOR ONLY ONE THING A DAY. ONLY ONE. NO MORE. ONE IS THE LONELIEST NUMBER AND THAT’S GOOD.
Ok, before you decide that I am some sort of weirdo stuck in my house with molding boxes of Good Housekeeping and National Geographics and surrounded by seven cats (one for each day!) just know this: I got rid of the Good Housekeepings. You will have to tear the National Geographics from my cold, dead hands.
And, the cat thing isn’t really all that bad, right?
I have this strong conviction that we humans must only schedule one thing a day. I mean, along with normal life, like work and showering and the post office, only ONE item of social interaction must occur. For example: a friend asks you to coffee? Sure! But, if also you are set up for a church meeting that day? Then no. That’s too much. It’s just too risky.
I can only do one thing a day, people. Otherwise, my brain gets itchy and I start eyeing Pinterest boards about knitting with your cat’s fur (after he has shed it, not prior. THAT would be really weird.)
You can imagine how having children kind of blew this whole One Thing A Day plan out of the water. They have a delightful way of messing with your life, those wee ones. For example, today, we have Lego club. Then, we are going to take out a family friend out for dinner. I KNOW. THIS IS INSANITY. It only works because we do have to eat and I think the meal will involve cheesecake. I can make it through.
Also, Christmas. Christmas does not stand a chance under this One Thing Rule. There are all these gathering and parties (shudder) where people stand around and eat those little sausage thingies and do small talk.
I can’t do small talk, guys. I just can’t. It’s up there with root canals and Walmart trips on Saturday morning. It fills me with despair.
Every time I attempt small talk a tree falls in the forest and NO ONE hears it. Also, a kitten dies.
Ok. This is a bit dramatic (the lawyer was fired ages ago, but if he was here you better believe he would be rolling his eyes). This is such a horribly grim picture that I will promise, no baby animals were sacrificed during the making of this post. But, my small talk? It is just very, very bad.
Here is an example. Take a Tums, it’s a doozy.
Nice lady from husband’s work at yearly holiday party from H-E-Double you get the point: “Hi there! How are you?”
Me: “I’m here for the sausages.”
Yep. That’s all I got.
So, I guess I would like to add to my already pretty epic advice and say this:
People. Stop it with all this holiday get togethering! Just have your party in February, ok? Nobody likes February. Spread the love a bit. Stop it with the concerts and parties and making merry. It’s AWFUL! I am talked OUT! At my best, I have about ten minutes of material in me, and then you can find me skulking back to the sausages.
The sausages, they understand me.
And I’m not going to even pretend that that line isn’t going to make my husband snicker. But I’ll leave it alone. It’s not that kind of blog.