I’m not ok and that’s ok.

Yep. Pretty much sums it up.

Every time I start writing these days, I type the title and then… I just sit there. My hands lay curled in my lap and I stare into space. Sometimes I backspace a few words and then type the exact same title again.

Cocurrently, my brain does not stare into space. My brain says things like this:

  1. My head hurts. I have this weird buzzing behind my eyeballs that I get when I’m stressed and I don’t remember the last time that buzzing was not there.
  2. Let’s take a moment to wonder if the buzzing might be something else. Swallow obsessively. Sore throat? Death?
  3. You can’t honestly think that ANY level of sarcasm or humor (or the mixture of the two which is your thing) is ok right now. This is serious and you know it.
  4. Let’s go back to that buzzing thing. Headache? Fever?

And so on. This is all paired with scrolling the news which shoots me through the twisty ride of terrifying and heart warming. All at the same time.

I keep thinking, “This would make a great movie,” but no not really. It wouldn’t.

And I keep thinking, “Perhaps this is a dream,” which is really dramatic and kind of dumb, I know, but I swear. I have actually thought this “wow, is this a dream?” thing recently and let’s just think about that for a moment. Never ever before in all my years on this earth have I actually thought, “Is this a dream?” and oh how I wish I could have reserved that opportunity for something involving Harrison Ford.

Annnnd there’s that humor again.

We’re all good here. Are you doing ok? We have homeschooling limping along, and I am fighting with the boys over their ipad use. Yesterday Red and Blonde almost came to blows over who was picking up more ice cubes that fell on the floor (because we are all trying to HELP OUT and WORK TOGETHER and DO OUR PART and YOU ARE A TOTAL SLACKER FOR NOT PICKING UP AS MANY ICE CUBES AS I AM and so on). All the stress and isolation paired with basic child-variety annoyance does not make me feel ok, though. I keep thinking, “Perhaps the boys will be super well-behaved because the virus will make them realize how much we should just love on each other and I’ll be the best mom ever today and it will be so loving and serene and perhaps I’ll start to paint and blar blar blargh beglargh.” Surrender, Dana.

Surrender, Dana.

Surrender.

I’m not ok, and that’s ok. I’m not ok with any of this but there are moments of peace and learning and transformation. I’m not ok but today I am baking bread and it smells divine

I’m not ok but that’s ok.

And you? How are you, friend? I send you my love and prayers and hugs. When this is all over I am going to hug people so much they’re gonna have to remove me with a spatula.

6 comments

  1. Your writing always warms my heart and makes me smile. Love, prayer and hugs back to you, lovely lady. Xx

  2. For me, getting out and working in my garden really helps the attitude. Also going to Salina or the boneyard with my son (long distance of course) relieves much of the tension. Oh by the way I live in sunny California. But the reality of this crazy world touches all of us no matter where we live. Love and great big HUGS to you Dana

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